The Final Purge (Poor Choice of Words, I Know)
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: The voices of the past
September 26, 2004...

When I left Australia on March 31, I had booked a return flight for Sept 26, 2004. This gave me 6 months to sort out my life and make a decision on where and who I wanted to be. The return flight would be either to pack my things and come back to California, or a return flight to stay in Australia. I have dealt with an amazing amount in the last 6 months..so what exactly happened to bring me to this place in this moment? Read on...

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April & May

For those first couple of months after I returned home, I was reluctant to go out into the world. I would have to face my past, and the people in it. I would have to tell them that yes, I'm back in Ventura, and no longer living this fabulous life abroad that they envied. I was no longer someone they could look at in respect, once again I was someone to laugh at and to hurt. I know that the reality is much less melodramatic, but in my head, that was how all of it played out. I cried all the time, I had no energy for seeing people, and when I did see them I was quiet, reserved, and over all not very much fun. I had no car, no job, no money and I was again at the mercy of the house rules. I had no independence, and if you couldn't tell, no self confidence.

Because of the throwing up, my hair was falling out, and having sent my body into starvation mode, I had gained 20 pounds. I don't know how long it takes all parts of the mind and body to recover from that, but I think I'm still dealing with it in many ways. The bulemia was not an easy thing to conquer, in fact I'm just now being able to give it a name, an identity. My last episode on record was May 23, 2004. I chose that day to quit because for one it would be easy to remember - it's my mom's birthday. I also felt that although she didn't know I was still purging, I owed it to her, and what better way to repay that than to quit on her birthday. It has now been 4 months and I've only had one relapse (which was stricken from the record to prevent my own confusion).

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June & July

It wasn't until around June when I was finally able to start pulling myself out of my depression. It was far from easy, it's so much easier to give into loneliness and despair and hide than to put on a happy face and bravely and boldy take on the world. I didn't push myself - I went out a couple of times, went to a wedding, and now I was newly determined to return to Australia. Why? My friend Steve was an emotional wreck after his ex girlfriend jumped a plane to London. My housemate Chris needed me to come back and work for him. Once again I had reasons other than myself to do something and I was needed! And because I was so eager to return, I pushed the date up from the 26th of September to the 4th. I now had a plan of action - a "marriage" with my friend Gavan, some under the table work, and I felt my life was finally going to work out properly.

*Note to self - if you start to feel anxious and overeager, and try to cheat the system to make something work, it's probably not a good idea.

July rolled around and there was my father's birthday, Warped Tour, and my friend Patrick's birthday. On July 10th I had a choice to make. A band I had found on Myspace was playing a show in Hollywood, and I was planning on going down there to take them a painting I had done inspired by their music and their search for CD cover art. It was also Pat's birthday and he was hoping to get some people together for a few drinks at the pub. The pub was closed, however, and the night was nearly cancelled until they decided to go to O'Leary's instead at the last minute.

Jason

I walked in to O'Leary's and saw him, and that was it. My brother had gone to school with him. Eventually we struck up a conversation and he was amazing. I was wary though. Why get involved with someone when I'd be leaving? After talking to him throughout the night, I went home and tried to put him out of my mind, but the next morning I found myself at his doorstep, somewhat hungover but ready for a hike. I would have to say it was sometime during that day that we became inseparable.

One night things got really intense. When he touched my face, looked into my eyes, it was like he saw everything. I didn't know what to do, I'd never felt anything like it before, so I did what I do best - I ran. To the beach. And wrote.

Staring up at you in terrified wonderment
Oh my God what you're doing to me
Kisses and caresses like melodies haunting
And I'm near tears at the beauty of it's tune (7/19/04)

I wanted this to work more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life, and maybe that was the problem. I strove so hard to be the best person I could, fearing he would leave if he found out I'm a slob, if I couldn't keep up with him and the boys hiking (although anytime I'm with my male friends, I want to show them I'm not "just" a girl), if I let him see my dark side - or if he basically just saw..Me, in all my neurotic, vulnerable glory. Given time I'd have been able to see that "Me" was all he wanted, but I'd been so affected by trying to be everything for everyone (i.e. Brett), that it took some time for me to see that "just" being me was ok. I knew there was no way I could keep it up, and I was afraid of what would happen when I failed.

Will he still want me when he sees all that I am
Both the light and the dark that are dueling in me
It's a constant struggle for the happiness I crave
Will he leave when the dark won't let me be free?
(Written around 7/27/04)

I felt I didn't have very much to offer him (I know better now, but then again I know a lot of things I didn't know before). He was young, hot, well educated, and owned his own business. I was older, unemployed, broke, no car and leeching off my parents. Still, I'd like to believe that at the very core we had the purest love I know I'd ever felt, and we were so right. We settled into a happy and comfortable groove, and I saw my entire future with him.

In the days last light I see you
Your smile holds off the inevitibility of night
I cling to you, my liferaft
In this stormy sea of my mind (9/7/04)

As Australia drew closer and closer I grew more and more tense, and there was no way for me to hide my anxieties and fears from him. He would have to see it sooner or later. I know it worried him - it worried me as well - but I held fast to the idea that we could make it through anything. The factors that had to exist to bring us together were so astronomical, I was sure we could conquer the world. A couple nights before I left for Australia, he told me he loved me. I had already given him all that I was able to give him. Now I wanted to give him everything, and that was what resolved my determination to end my fractured life in Australia.

---

August & September

Australia

Man I was so ready, and I wasn't at the same time. I wanted it to be over and done with, but I didn't want to have to deal with all of the emotions and situations associated with ending it. I changed my flight again, this time from Sept 4 to August 3. I should have held off, but again my overeagerness to finally move forward in my life instead of backward prevented me from seeing that I wasn't yet strong enough to handle the impending challenges. Jason dropped me off at the airport, and I didn't want to let go of him. From the moment I got on the plane, I only thought and dreamt of being back home again -

Staring out the window
Wishing you were here
Waiting for this damned plane to leave
As I fight back these tears (8/3/04)

"No longer running away - leaving only to return to you with my whole heart to give" (8/3/04)

Nearly as soon as I got off the plane I was told I'd have to face Jim later that day.

Jim - Quick Stats
-Met him the night I returned to AU in January 04
-Dated him until I left AU March 31 04
-Told him about Brett - then after my return to CA told him some details he didn't want to know
-He now hates me, though I've tried to make peace
and
-Left my t.v. with him to hold on to and my bunny
When I got to the house, I discovered that my dvd player and some of my dvd's were missing as well.

Luckily Chris spared me that fate so soon after my arrival, and I got to work sorting through the things I'd left there. Eventually when I saw Jim, it was bittersweet. He was bitter, I was sweet. It was a complete and utter loss, he was so hateful, but I got my stuff, and closed that door.

I threw myself into working. Anything to take my mind off of my loneliness and fear. I am not ashamed to say that I wrote wedding vows while cleaning an apartment one day.

"And on that day we prove our love
should someone come to me
And ask if it's safe to love you
I'll say - I don't know - but what an adventure it will be" (8/9/04)

I tried to meet up with as many friends as possible. Brett was uncharacteristically eager to make plans to hang out.

Brett

One night a couple of days after Jason and I had met, I drove home from Jason's listening to Loveline on the radio. I hadn't listened to it in at least a year, but there was a reason I was meant to listen to it that night. They were talking with a girl who had a male close friend. They hung out, and slept together, and she wanted to be with him - but he was in love with someone else and didn't want her. As they told her repeatedly she needed to move on in her life, she gave them reason after reason why she thought he would come around - some of his actions, some of what he said. I listened to this girl with sympathy..I understood exactly what she was going through. But as I continued listening, I started feeling annoyed, and started seeing it from the other side. There were so many reasons I gave myself for hanging in there and the one reason not to was the most simple - he didn't want me. I thought it was me, so I had tried to do everything I could to be what he wanted, but it was never me. Here I was, returning to a life I'd run from to try to be available for someone who didn't care if I was available or not. I don't know how it ever made any sense to me.

We had dinner, and he was everything I'd wanted him to be months earlier. He was sweet, and overall affectionate, trying to hold my hand and stuff, things he'd never really been into, especially in public. I couldn't understand it. We got back to my house, where I rebuffed his advances and sent him home. I was drained, and sick (earlier that day was when I had my bulimia relapse). I tried to call Jason after Brett left, but he didn't answer, and all I could do was cry and try to sleep. I had breakfast with him on Saturday, my last day there, and did some shopping, and closed the door.

I was so lonely. I'd never felt so lost and helpless and unable to reach out. I called my parents every day, my mom understood more than anyone else, and even she couldn't understand this. God how I wished Jason had been there, could have seen firsthand all the drama and pain in this life I'd built for myself there. There were so many times I wanted to call him, and stopped myself; it was my mess, I had to be strong and clean it up. I felt so trapped in this place, I was caged in. I paced like an animal. I cried and nearly screamed a few times. Nobody could possibly understand the emotions running rampant in me while I was there, or who I became. I was so close and yet so far from having everything I ever wanted.

Finally it got near the breaking point and I had to go home. I didn't want to face anymore. I pleaded with Qantas to change my flight, but it would have cost $1600.00. I should have done it. Or I should have wired Jason a ticket. Too many should haves. I had to face these last few days.

Bazz

I found him in an Australian chatroom in April. He was funny, a good listener. He talked me through some of my darkest moments. He had a "bed mate", and wasn't looking for a girlfriend, but we had a flirtation and made plans to meet up when I went to Australia. When I met Jason, he was one of the first to know how excited I was, and all of my feelings.

I got to Australia and got a text message from him to meet up. We had breakfast one Sunday morning and then drove around the city for a bit before I had to work. We were comfortable with each other since we'd been talking so long, and it was a good meeting. I didn't think we'd meet up again after that, since I wanted to try to leave early, and he had to go out of town for work. Since I ended up staying, I wanted to try to meet up with some people on Saturday, my last day. Bazz rang, and I headed down to the city to meet up with him and watch a movie. I was drained emotionally, it had been a rough trip, and it was nice to just veg out on the couch and try to let my mind go blank. My friend Steve rang to meet up for dinner, and instead of having me take the tram, Bazz drove me there and wanted to hang out after dinner as well. Far drive for him to go all the way home only to turn around and come back, so he went and had dinner and the three of us met up afterward to get ice cream. I rang Jason. It was my last night. He was watching the stars with some of our friends. I wished more than anything that I could have been there. By this time, everyone in AU was sick of me talking about him so much, but I couldn't help it. He was the only happiness I could count on.

Bazz offered to take me to the airport in the morning. In fact he nearly begged. I was flattered that he wanted to go out of his way so much for me, and I felt a bit that he was lonely and needed someone near. I knew what it was like to feel lonely. I went down to his house and stayed the night. We sat up until about 4 am just watching the Olympics and then I went to try to sleep. I let him share the bed with me because of the cold and there was an electric blanket. I didn't think anything of it until he tried to kiss me. I stopped him, pushed him away. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that only a matter of weeks ago I was going to return to stay, and now I was walking away, and knowing that was the right thing for me. All the pain, the sacrifice, the excitement, the fears, the frustration, the heartbreak, of the last 10 days, of the last 6 months, the last year and a half....all of it culminated in one wave of emotion that I cannot even begin to describe..It made me want to scream and cry, laugh, and I'm sure I pushed the boundaries of insanity. Bazz had tried to kiss me once, but I had pushed him away. I knew at that moment that this was the end, and I needed that closure, to truly live my life wholeheartedly with the man I loved, so I ended it with a kiss. Goodbye Australia. He didn't try anything else, he knew I would never have let it happen, and he understood that this was the end. I know now that had I stayed we might have dated but it could never have worked; in our struggles and conversations since my return to CA, I've realized that while I care for him, it's not in the way that matters most.

After I'd returned to CA, and in the midst of my explosion, Bazz told me that the kiss had changed him. It had made him decide to hold out hope for love, for something deeper than just a bed mate. Our actions catch up with all of us though - his former bed mate is pregnant with his child.

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The Aftermath

On the flight home I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I was scared and excited. It felt wonderful to be free, I was almost giddy.

I've closed the final door to my past
Nothing left to hold me back from giving you my whole heart and soul
Mistakes and dramas fade away as I look into your beautiful, loving eyes. (8/15/04)

I stared out the window and watched the meteor shower, so close in the sky, and I couldn't have felt closer to Jason than had he been sitting next to me.

I never felt you so strongly with me, even with you still so far away. I wished on countless shooting stars, and I hope we've been wishing for the same thing. (8/15/04)

I told Jason everything as soon as we got home from the airport. I didn't want to sit on it and let it fester, I didn't want a relationshp based on secrets, and I didn't want Jason to think I was hiding anything from him. I wasn't proud of what had happened, but I was eager to show and tell him that I was free, that I had come back to him complete and without fear, and now I thought we could realize all of the dreams and plans we'd made.
It worked out nothing like I'd hoped. The explosion came. He broke up with me. I freaked out and grabbed onto any flying debris that fell my way. Denial, anger, pain. I lashed out at him, I punished myself. I did anything I could to try to make things right, and I did anyone suggested to try as well, but it ended up worse.

In the destruction and confusion I grab for whatever I can reach, hoping that something can be salvaged, that something can remain. The dust and debris settles and I finally see things clearly. What I have fought so hard to save, is the only thing that has been destroyed, but by my frenzy and panic rather than by the explosion itself. (9/7/04)

I couldn't make any sense of it. I had thought he'd seen who I was, that I am me, and not like anyone else who had hurt him before, but I suppose that is hard to expect after such a short time. I'd thought we would fight for each other and for what we'd had. I thought he would understand the extreme circumstances of my situation in Australia, and see that that wasn't who I wanted to be, nor was it something that would happen again. The reality of his reaction has been far from what I'd thought. I'm still trying to make sense of it at times, even as I move on with my life. I still haven't discovered all the lessons I'm meant to take from it, but I have changed quite a bit already in response to the ones I have learned.

I no longer look toward the future, because it is so uncertain and frightening to think about, but I do strive to keep moving forward. I have let go of much of my past, just these last 6 months have been sticking around, especially the last 3 months.

I chose to open my heart to him and accept the risks involved. I did what I thought was right in order for me to give him what I wanted to give him - everything. I accept him for who he is and for how he feels, not in spite of it. I hope we both continue to grow, and eventually are able to see beyond the pain to the qualities that brought us together in the first place, to see the realization of a comfortable, peaceful, spontaneous friendship.

I know that life is what it is, and I have so little control over it, that it is pointless to tear myself up over things I cannot change. So I change myself, and my reactions to those things. One thing I cannot change, is essentially being this sensitve, soft, naive old soul. I cannot turn off my emotions, but I can control them, and do something positive and productive with them, instead of turning to self destruction.

So what if I'd gone back to Australia today, 6 months later? Or even on the 4th? Realistically, looking back at how hard I crashed in August, I believe I would have ended my life. There is no point in wondering about it though.

I'm putting the pieces of my life back together, from puzzles that have been sitting neglected for years. I have gotten a job, I am looking into schools. I am hanging out with my friends, and making new ones.

At this moment I will not ask for anything else, only accept life as it is, and that what is meant for me will happen when it is meant to.

Two Weeks Later
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Incubus - Aqueous Transmission
So I've been back for 2 weeks now. What have I been doing? Laying low mostly. My friend Adam, who is from Melbourne, began an 18 month journey around the world, starting overe here in California. He's spent the last week with us, and we've made a few road trips to Monterey, Santa Barbara, and Los Angeles. Now he's off to see the rest of America....lucky him.

I've been reluctant to get in touch with people, because inevitably with the revelation that I'm back, comes the questions I don't want to answer (well answered in the previous post, true to smartass form).

One thing I will say is that I am missing Australia and everyone there. I've been keeping in touch with Jim, Steve, Brett, and my friend Gavin. As for being able to migrate there, the options are narrowing down, but I'm not giving up. My friends are also keeping me in better spirits, a few of them have told me they'd do whatever they could to help me get back there for good.

It's been good to see my family, I've missed them a lot and I think they've missed me as well. But now it's just like I never left, the bickering and struggles have returned, but I don't take it for granted (ha).

So time ticks away...time for me to get off my ass and make the most of it.

Seriously April Fools
Mood:  not sure
It's been a week. Yes I'm slipping. I've been quite busy lately, going to movies, dinners, and the International Comedy Festival. If you ever hear of Damian Clark coming to a venue near you, take the time to go see him, he's very funny (and not bad to look at either).

I rang Mom on Thursday evening, just to say hello since I hadn't talked to her in a few days. I told her that I was at LAX, and after nearly convincing her that I was there, I reminded her of the date (April Fools Day, that would be). After some swear words that shocked my virgin ears, I told her about the fun I was having in New Zealand with my Kiwi family - the visa renewal trip.

With the phone call taken care of, she certainly didn't expect to have Jayson wake her up shortly after she went to sleep.
"Mom, we have a problem." Jay stated in a morose voice that only he can pull off. As Mom pulled herself out of her sleep induced fog, and her eyes focused on me standing behind Jayson, she freaked out.

This has to be the biggest April Fools Day joke I've ever pulled.

So, yes, I'm back in California. Why? you may ask.... here are the stock answers that I shall not stray from:
-I ran out of toothpase
-I couldn't be bothered mailing the cd I made for Mom
-I ran out of my special California comfort foods i.e. graham crackers, Lucky Charms, and chai tea mix

Any more questions?

Don't ask.

Feeling Old
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Rain
I went to the Dropkick Murphys show on Thursday night with Brett. During the first song of DM's set, there was a fight, the bloodied loser being dragged off the floor by his girlfriend, the winner vanishing back into the crowd through which they'd rough and tumbed their way. The crowd was hyper, bouncing around, enthusiastically pumping their arms and whatever body parts were most easily accessible.

From my vantage point it was quite a sight to behold. I know when I've gone to see Flogging Molly I get right in and let loose, but this time I felt like an outsider, like it wasn't really the thing for me to do - as if, I'm too old to be bouncing around like a mad fool. Perhaps it was because I was with Brett and constantly trying to play it cool, I don't really know.

All I know is that it was good to see a US band get such a good response, especially when they did a rendition of an AC/DC song.

Consequences of Dreams
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Guns n Roses - Patience
When is it good to follow your dreams? I've always thought and been taught that if you have a dream you need to stick with it no matter what hardships you face, and it will make acheiving the dream that much sweeter. Well, obviously in trying to make my dreams happen, I've run into some rather well built walls, but in many of the cases I've found a way past them.

So when do things get to the point that there is such a thin line between following your dreams and wasting your life?

I've spent so much time trying to help others with their dreams and living their lives for them. Now that I'm trying to live my own life, I've been told that I'm wasting my life. Definitely not the most positive thing to be told.

In thinking back on some of the people who have made such an impact in all of our lives and the way we live them, i.e. some of the great artists, Einstein, etc., I'm sure most people thought they were completely insane, but when they chose to ignore the negativity of others and focus on their passions, look what happened. I'm not trying to put myself in their league, I'm hardly an Einstein, but hopefully you see my point.

So the positives in my life at the moment:
-I'm on my own and independent
-I'm making money and doing a job that I don't mind too much
-I have made a life, made friends, and am well on the way to finally feeling settled, to feeling like I'm home
-I'm creating a new plan of action that will truly be the realization of what I want to be doing

The negatives (aka Walls to be broken):
-At the moment I'm still trying to find a permanent way to stay
-I'm not in school at the moment
-I'm far from my family

So if I died today, would people say, "Jeeze it's a shame she didn't have a Bachelor's degree before she died, she'll need that in Heaven or wherever she ends up.", or would they look back and say, "Wow, it's good that she's gotten to do all the things she has done and shared it in her own way with everyone she loves."?

Just thought I'd share.

I Love My Camera
Mood:  spacey
Now Playing: Something For Kate - Song For A Sleepwalker

Melbourne Exhibition Center. I was lucky enough to snap this photograph while there is water in the fountain. Since there are tough water restrictions here at the moment, they let the fountain dry up, but as there is going to be a festival there, they've filled it with recycled water, and after the festival is over they'll drain the water to use around the surrounding parklands.

Luck O' The Irish
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Peace and Quiet
Happy St. Patricks Day. St. Pat has been good to me.

Last Thursday, Jim and I went to Finnegan's Irish pub for dinner. While we were there we noticed some very drunk men wearing the coolest green Guiness hats. Then I noticed that to get one, you had to buy four pints of Guiness, at $6.40 a pop. I'm not much for beer so I had to stifle my disappointment.

Yesterday, Chris and I had to clean a unit down near the beach. We were told by the agent that the prior renters were four Irish girls. Upon walking into the flat, what did I see? To my unquenchable excitement, there were THREE Guiness hats on the kitchen counter! Of course I can't wear all three (well I can but I might look a bit odd), but with the green shirt I just bought I will be one festive lass tonight at the Waterloo.

*Happy Birthday Steve!*

*Thanks to Dad for writing me the first e-mail from him ever - once I worked out what he was on about, it was a thoroughly enjoyable read. - Dad, go to the Doctor. *

Like A Pig To Slaughter...
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up (Thanks for the CD Mom)
I never thought I'd be so happy about eating. This weekend was all about gluttony.

Friday night, Brett came over and we had an American snack night. He got to try the beauty that are s'mores, as well as American Coke (yes it tastes different), after dinner mints, and Junior Mints. Someone has to show these Aussies what they are missing in our food.

On Saturday we had a yard sale, and Jim came over to help out. He went to our favorite cafe, Silly Yaks (Jim is a Coeliac) and got Chicken Foccacias. That night we went back to his house for awhile, and decided to try our luck with having Mexican food. I haven't had Mexican food at all while I've been here, except the times I've made quesadillas or, once, taquitos. We went to a restaurant just down the street from his house, and lo and behold, they had wonderfully authentic Mexican food, although there were no authentic Mexicans cooking it. I haven't been that content after a meal in ages.

Sunday, as a thank you to Jim for helping me out with a last minute job, we went to Smorgies, a buffet restaurant. Contrary to the name, the place looks like the Tiki Room at Disneyland, down to the fire breathing tiki gods and an animated tree show. The food was decent, but again I was only too happy to indulge.

This morning Chris and I finished our job and went to Silly Yaks for breakfast. I'm getting spoiled (and probably on my way to being hugely obese) by all this wonderful food. I'm on my way out to try to walk some of it off.

U.S. Invasion
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Delta Goodrem
Waterloo Wednesdays... I arrived at the Waterloo last night, and the bouncer took a look at my ID (yes I still get ID'd for 18) and mentioned that there were other Americans there as well. He then practically took me by the hand to lead me over to the group and introduced me to them. Talk about service!

These girls are from all around the states, literally in every corner - Hawaii, Florida, Pennsylvania. They were very nice, it was just weird, I'm sort of an outsider now to them, and listening to them just felt a bit odd. They were so "Valley Girl", and then me, soft spoken with my more Australian inflections.

I introduced Brett to them, and he mentioned that it was invasion and reasoned that the abundance of Americans was to blame for the lack of attendance. Ha.....ha.

I got my digital camera back from the shop and it's once again happy. Here are some pics from the last 2 days.

Labour Day Weekend
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Jack Johnson - Hopefully He can De-Irritate Me!
Waiting..one of my pet peeves is having to wait for someone when they say they'll be here at a certain time and then call five minutes before they're meant to be here to say that they're just then on their way. Unfortunately that is a habit that Jim has. I'm waiting for him to get here so we can take the tram down to the city to catch music and fireworks of the Moomba Festival.

Last year I went there with Glen and Kate and the fireworks were fantastic. This year we're going down a bit early so we can catch some of the bands -they're playing some world music, which hopefully means reggae - and just generally get a better look at everything.

On Wednesday I went to the USA Foods store and stocked up on the things I can't live without - smores fixings, pinto beans, Coke and Dr. Pepper, and various other goodies. I went to see Stuck On You on Thursday night, and in one scene they went to Jack In The Box. Sourdough Chicken Club, thanks! God, sometimes I miss being back in California.